Let’s talk about communication. It’s one of those things we’re constantly doing—whether we’re speaking, texting, rolling our eyes, or giving someone "the look," we’re always saying something. And yet, for something that’s such a huge part of our lives, why is it so hard to actually communicate what we mean? Lately, I’ve been hearing a lot of, “I have these feelings or thoughts, but I don’t know how to express them without putting my [partner/parent/child/coworker] on the defensive.” Yeah, that’s a tough one.
This got me thinking about one of my grad school classes where we spent an entire semester learning how to ask questions without making people feel like they’re on trial. At the time, it seemed a bit much—an entire semester on how to ask questions? But, as it turns out, that was one of the most useful classes I ever took. Considering how we all depend on communication to get through life, why didn’t anyone teach us this stuff sooner? I mean, I’m sure trigonometry is useful to someone, but I think we all could’ve benefited from “How Not to Accidentally Start a Fight 101.”
Since we didn’t get that class, let me share a few tips I’ve given to clients when they’re stuck in communication quicksand.
1. The Sneaky Danger of “Why” Questions
Let’s start with the word “why.” It’s such a simple word, but man, does it have a way of putting people on the defensive. Think about it: "Why did you do that?" or "Why didn’t you think of this?" Even when you’re just asking for clarification, it can feel like you’re really asking, “What were you thinking?!”
Instead, try asking questions like, “I’m curious about this,” or, “Can you tell me more about that?” It’s amazing how much better people respond when it sounds like you genuinely want to understand them instead of grilling them like a detective in an old noir film.
2. Ask Questions That Actually Lead to Conversation
If you’re hoping for more than a one-word answer, avoid yes/no questions. Open-ended questions are where the magic happens. They give the other person space to share what’s on their mind without feeling trapped. Instead of, “Did you mean this?” try asking, “What did you mean when you said that?” or “Can you explain that a bit more?” It opens the door to a real conversation instead of a verbal ping-pong match.
One of my favorite tricks is asking clients to “paint me a word picture” or describe “the story you’re telling yourself.” Not only does it give me insight into their thought process, but I also get to hear their inner monologue—and trust me, sometimes it’s as dramatic as a soap opera.
3. The 7/38/55 Rule (Or, Why Words Are Just the Beginning)
Ready for a fun fact? Only 7% of communication is based on the actual words we use! The rest is split between tone of voice (38%) and body language (a whopping 55%). So, while the words you choose do matter, if your tone and body language don’t match up, you might as well be speaking gibberish.
If you want to keep things calm, pay attention to your nonverbal cues. Leaning in too much? You might look like you’re about to lunge. Tone a little too sharp? You’re accidentally sending "fight mode" vibes. Instead, try softening your tone, relaxing your posture, and for the love of all that is good, don’t stare at them like you’re trying to hypnotize them.
4. Feelings Happen, But You’re Still in Charge
We can’t always control when feelings show up—they tend to just arrive, uninvited, like a relative who "just popped by." But while we can’t control the initial emotion, we do get to choose how we respond to it. This is why I avoid asking clients, “How does that make you feel?” because it kind of suggests we’re helpless when emotions hit. Instead, I ask, “What feelings came up for you? Then what happened?” That little shift reminds us we still have power over how we react.
Communication Isn’t Magic, But It’s Pretty Close
At the end of the day, communication isn’t just about what you say—it’s about how you say it, how you listen, and how aware you are of all the little cues you’re giving off. So, next time you feel like a conversation’s going off the rails, take a breath, ask some open-ended questions, and maybe check your tone before you accidentally spark World War III.
Turns out, that semester on how to ask questions wasn’t overkill after all.
And while I always encourage being blunt, gritty and witty, also try to stay curious, patient, and keep working on those communication skills. You’re better at it than you think!
Thanks for the excellent tips!